I am not a great person. In fact, I have the capacity to do great harm. My pride can cloud my judgment. I’m well-rehearsed in self-sabotage. My word should be a bond, but I’ve made whisper-thin promises. And, my efforts at being selfless have earned a solid C-.

It’s no surprise, then, that I strived to leave this person at home in my first year of teaching. In my view, impactful yoga teachers were completely detached from their ego. As a light-bringer, I was convinced that shadows only weighed me down. They were odds and ends to pile high in a closet, out of sight and incongruent with a “positive vibes only” view – until they all tumbled out.

These last two weeks found me in that place as I took a break from digital media to look inward. In the process, I found space to confront those shadows one by one – remnants of doubt, shame, fear disguising itself as reason, survival skills fueled by people-pleasing – all the bits of myself that I kept far away from my classes and captions. For once, I let those pieces show themselves while reconciling the idea that the bravest ones among us aren’t fully healed; they’re just willing. I trusted my village to hold space for them and myself to embrace them with the same grace I offer to the bright and shiny parts.

For 14 days, anger wasn’t “good” or “bad,” it was just anger. Absent of labels, I could show gratitude for the ability to express passion or advocate for my ideas. Hurt wasn’t “irrational” or “weak,” it was just hurt. I didn’t rush to will it away because it didn’t suit my cheery brand. It made me grateful for a malleable heart and the tools to process in healthy ways. This reframing exercise helped me realize that my growth isn’t measured by the absence of the “bad.” It’s marked by an ability to hold my own reality as a complex being, as a composite of both light AND dark, and still call the whole worthy. Rejecting anything unsavory robs of us the opportunity to do real, restorative work. So, if that degree of grit and honesty are required to live the truths I share on the mat, I can warm up to it.

Radical healing can happen when we replace judgment with wonder and honor what comes up in the process. I’m eager to serve from that stance this season, and to encourage others that “doing the work” isn’t a clean-up job. Rather, it’s recognizing that His strength is made perfect in weakness. (2 Cor. 12:9). It’s looking at the room of my life – with its chipped paint and creaking floors — and letting the light wash over it to reveal something real.